Yesterday I saw Dr. Assropractor. It was my third or fourth follow up post surgery. Or fifth? I am always surprised when the chiro/ass receptionist asks my name. I literally can’t imagine a more difficult patient than me. For a month, I was constantly calling about my horrible pain and then going into the office and being told that I looked FINE and everything was healing perfectly. Asses are funny things, I guess. Colorectal surgery is like a box of chocolates: you never know how you’re going to heal.
Meanwhile, I’m a graduate of the Dr. Assropractor School of Colorectal Surgery Recover! Perhaps I should have a tshirt made? He said I never have to return — unless I need to. I asked what the chances are that I’ll have a reason to return and of course he wouldn’t answer that. He is quite taciturn, Dr. Assropractor. I think we both hope I’ll never see him again.
When I got home and updated my Facebook status with my graduation info, someone asked if I’d told him to kiss my ass… WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?!?!?! That was a genius response. I pride myself on my commentary, but that just slipped right by me. It may have slipped right through MY CRACK, as they say.
I came home and found this card in the mail, modeled by The Informant
We strive to provide excellent care. Thank you for choosing Rex! Sincerely, Minor Procedure Unit Staff
1. I did not choose you, hospital. I’m sure the choice was made for me in an office building somewhere, by some attorneys and representatives: that Dr. Assropractor would be in-network with you.
2. I snorted out loud when I came to the signature, MINOR PROCEDURE Unit Staff. Clearly there was a mix-up at the post office; maybe Chuck the Mailman had something to do with it. I am still waiting for my card from the MAJOR procedure unit staff.
3. That said, you gave me excellent anesthesia — and even some versed before the surgery so I could relax — and I appreciate it. I also hope you enjoyed the sign My Chemical Romance wrote on my butt cheeks with permanent marker. You’re welcome.