Book Review: Gabriel’s Inferno

Posted on December 13, 2012 by Erika

3 Stars.

Take 50 Shades of Grey, mix it with some original Twilight, literary highbrow and a huge amount of sexism, and you’ve got Gabriel’s Inferno.

I can only recommend it under the following conditions:

1. You’re a sucker for an ALPHA male.

Because Gabriel is the ALPHA-est of Alpha males. He’s disgustingly rich, overly-educated, strong and powerful, as well as tattooed. Also, he takes erotic photography, drinks like a carp, is an esteemed professor and of course he’s got a body like a god. You’ve got your typical Alpha here.

2. Likewise, you like your heroines quiet, shy, guileless virgins who lets the man lead her.

How else can I say this? Picture Bella Swan. Now picture her six years later. That’s Julianne/Julia/Kitten/Rabbit/Beatrice whatever name some male character gives her.

3. You can wait over 500 pages for sex.

Of course, there’s petting and stuff, but… yeah. After a while, it really drags.

4. You don’t mind pesky things like details.

He’s her professor! Yet nobody finds out about their “courting.” Paul (who plays the Jacob role in this one) simply accepts that Julianne/Julia/Rabbit simply has a boyfriend and gives up. While the Dante discourse is somewhat interesting, any discussion of Julianne’s/Julia’s/Rabbit’s/Kitten’s/Beatrice’s study is relegated to a few sentences about how she’s found a new thesis advisor.

It gets 3 stars because in a looooooooooong book, I only found one extraneous comma, and while the waiting for sex part dragged, it was still somewhat erotic. But mostly I rolled my eyes and found Gabriel really sexist and annoying.

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Library book Trauma

Posted on September 18, 2012 by Erika

These are my boys, Animal and Mineral, at homeschool 4-H. They’re learning robotics, and they made trebuchets.

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They do not usually dress alike.

Here is a book I took out from the library, because I’m trying to tamper down my Kindle addiction

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(credit: Goodreads)

This is me. I asked the boys to take a bag full of overdue library books out to my car. My car was parked on the street

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This is where the book ended up. It is not my car.

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It is a drainage ditch

This is the weather this week

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RAIN.

Filed under: Daily Life, family, Reading | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »

Mom Avoids Reading

Posted on June 18, 2012 by Erika

Once I asked my friend Sin-D if she read books. This is a totally legitimate question. Some people do not read books — in fact, Miss Manners’ brother-in-law, who is one of the smartest people she knows, rarely reads books, according to Miss Manners’ sister. My friend Sin-D said she did not, because she gets too engrossed in them and can’t be a good mother when she’s stayed up all night reading Twilight 50 Shades of Grey On the Island. I totally get that — I just don’t care about being a good mother!

In all seriousness, other than a few bright shining books, I have not been reading as much as I normally do. The biggest problem is not the fact that I have kids (and therefore no time to read) but avoiding reading about other peoples’ kids.

Yes. YES. It’s the same reason I don’t watch Nanny 911 or a Baby Story — or Clean Sweep — I live that life every day. I don’t need to see it on television. Or read about it.

My life. Minus the food fights.

Nor do I want to read about grieving parents, sick kids, bad marriages, or anything that might fill me with torment. You know?

This doesn’t typically inspire a lot of guilt, except when I have a bunch of books I SHOULD read. Like, the ADHD books that Mineral’s therapist recommended. Like, the John Holt books I picked up at a homeschool curriculum fair. Like, the book that my online friend Kenna Lee sent me, which I’ve read a chapter or two of, called A Million Tiny Things. It’s awesome — Kenna is SUCH a gifted writer, she really makes the mundane very interesting and she makes being “crunchy” very accessible to everyone. But I just can’t read it right now.

I’m just too busy. Ha.

Kenna sent it to me after reading something I’d written for a Carnival of Natural Parenting a few months ago, and I was so flattered because she said she LOVED MY WRITING. Squee! Duh. She asked if I’d read it and write about it. Bien sur! And meanwhile, it’s been sitting next to my bed, staring at me for the last two months. Finally I emailed her and explained that while I loved the 30 or 40 pages I’d read, I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to read it. I had a feeling Kenna would get it. And she did. She wrote back explaining that it sounds like I’m simply experiencing the Pre-Perimenopause of My Discontent (TM). (Actually she said it sounded like the Perimenopause of My Discontent [TM] but I’m obviously way too young for that!) And she said DO NOT READ IT.

You would think, in some reverse psychological way, this would inspire me to read it but no. Still sitting by my bed. Next to The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and Caleb’s Crossing.

Mineral reads for me.

I am still reading for book clubs — I’ve decided that I actually like Yuppies with Puppies! — but other than that, I’m waiting for a wave of inspiration before I continue reading words on paper (or e-devices). However, please leave me some recommendations if you’ve read something amazing that I’ll enjoy!

Filed under: Daily Life, Reading | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

My Birthday On the Island Giveaway Winner

Posted on May 23, 2012 by Erika

First of all, Happy Birthday to me! I am 33 tonight, a little after 7:00pm EST.

And yes, in case you were wondering, I AM mom enough!

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Take that, Time Magazine.

Second of all, I have already received several awesome presents, including a gorgeous mommy necklace from my friend Sarah (winner of my last giveaway) and some healing cream to help my rear end — and any other place I may need to use it in the future — courtesy of Miss Manners.

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My but says THANKS!

This next item was not a birthday present, but my artist friend Angela finished painting my belly cast from when I was pregnant with Cousin It, 18 months ago. Angela’s work is amazing. This is what she did to my cast

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How beautiful is that?!?!? Angela is so talented!

And now for the On the Island giveaway winner: comment #17, Venita!
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Venita, please email me at cincodemommy at gmail dot com and send me your address. You’re receiving a new, signed copy of On the Island by Tracey Garvis Graves, and some On the Island bookmarks!

Have a great May 23, everyone! I hope to find a babysitter tonight so I can go out to dinner with My Chemical Romance at a tapas bar in Raleigh called Humble Pie.

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Twilight versus 50 Shades of Grey

Posted on March 9, 2012 by Erika

I haven’t blogged in a few days because I’ve been engrossed in the worst porn chick lit in the history of ever. It’s called 50 Shades of Grey and it’s FAB.U.LOUS! But it’s a lot like another chick lit porn book that you may have heard of…

One is a book about a klutzy girl-next-door type (with whom every male character is in love, but she doesn’t know it because she’s so unaware of her own beauty) and her older, ridiculously overprotective boyfriend, and the adversities they must overcome in order to be together.

The other is Twilight.

But how can you tell which one you’re reading? I’ve read both, found both utterly amusing/totally appalling, and I can now give you the definitive guide to Twilight versus 50 Shades of Grey.

MAIN CHARACTERS

TWILIGHT (Her): A wishy-washy Mary Sue archetype. Has brown hair. Absolutely not interested in money or material goods. Claims moral superiority/self-righteousness. Not at all freaked out/offended/shocked/scared by her beloved’s complete and utter stalker tendencies – nor the skeletons in his closet. Loves him unconditionally!

TWILIGHT (Him): An incredibly handsome, enigmatic, charming, ridiculously wealthy older man who is overly concerned/obsessed with her safety. Oh, and he’s also totally self-loathing. Rock-hard abs despite the fact that he never seems to work out. Always badgering her to eat something. Jealous of any male who looks at her. Cannot BELIEVE that she actually loves him back.

50 SHADES OF GREY (Her):  A wishy-washy Mary Sue archetype. Has brown hair. Absolutely not interested in money or material goods. Claims moral superiority/self-righteousness. Not at all freaked out/offended/shocked/scared by her beloved’s complete and utter stalker tendencies – nor the skeletons in his closet. Loves him unconditionally!

50 SHADES OF GREY (Him): An incredibly handsome, enigmatic, charming, ridiculously wealthy older man who is overly concerned/obsessed with her safety. Oh, and he’s also totally self-loathing. Rock-hard abs despite the fact that he never seems to work out. Always badgering her to eat something. Jealous of any male who looks at her. Cannot BELIEVE that she actually loves him back.

COARSE LANGUAGE SCALE

TWILIGHT: I think Bella says, “Oh, my God,” exactly once in the entire series.

50 SHADES OF GREY: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being You Can Say It In Front of The Informant and 10 being You Can’t Say It In Front of Larry Flynt, it’s a 39.

NAME IRONY/HISTORICAL LITERARY SHOUT OUTS

TWILIGHT: Well there’s Bella Swan for one. Also Edward happens to Cull(en) his homicidal tendencies. Also, by Stephenie Meyer’s own admission, Twilight = Pride and Prejudice; New Moon = Romeo and Juliet; Eclipse = Wuthering Heights; Breaking Dawn = The Merchant of Venice.

50 SHADES OF GREY: Christian (ha!) Grey, who learns that life isn’t always black and white. Ana, who happens not to eat very much — he is obsessed with feeding her! — and her last name is Steele, which is a shout-out to Sense and Sensibility. The fun sibling is named Elliot.

OTHERWORLDLY CREATURES

TWILIGHT: Vampires, wolves and half-breeds, oh my!

50 SHADES OF GREY: The ghosts of Christian’s past “subs.”

SEX

TWILIGHT: Exactly twice — after marriage. In a bed.

50 SHADES OF GREY: Exactly twice each morning, four times in the afternoon and seventeen ^ nth* times in the evening. Often involving the use of toys, bondage and dominance/submission. Definitely not married — although she’s not a total slut as defined by Rush Limbaugh: when they stop having sex, she goes off birth-control pills.

Filed under: Pop Culture, Reading | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »

Book Club Cast of Characters

Posted on February 17, 2012 by Erika

I’ve attended several book clubs since moving here — Yuppies with Puppies, Blue Hairs and Shares and Snobby White Women with Lots of Time On Their Well-Manicured Hands.

Here’s what they all have in common:

1. There’s always one woman who sits there with a pained expression like attending book club is some kind of torture

She says nothing. And I’m constantly wondering, Why are you here? This does not seem enjoyable for you. ARE YOU PART OF WITNESS PROTECTION AND THIS IS YOUR COVER?!?!?!?!

2. On the opposite side of the room, is a woman who makes a lot of jokes that only she laughs at and talks way too loudly.

credit: Lisa Williams/Flickr

This may come as a surprise to many but I am not actually that woman! No, really. I’m not. I joke only about the book/books in general, and after spending all day with the kids, I speak fairly quietly.

3. There’s a bitter divorcee who bitches about everything

credit: flickr/tinfoilraccoon

The Hunger Games SUCKED. My ex-husband SUCKS. People who don’t want to read Cutting for Stone because it’s 700 pages long and full of detailed explanations of bowel dissection surgery that no non-medical person ever needs to read SUCK. (But I’m not talking about anyone in particular.) In fact, all people who don’t want to read SUCK. I’m just going to sit here sprawled on a chair with my dare-you-to-defy-me body language and glower at everyone who eats the pound cake. Because I’m on a diet.

4. They Hustle Out Like There’s a Fire

Or, as I might say, They leave with very little fanfare. Book club is over and they’re out. No THANKS SEE YOU NEXT MONTH THIS WAS REALLY FUN I LIKE WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT PEETA SOUNDING LIKE THE TYPE OF BREAD RATHER THAN LIKE “PETER”  AND HOW IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF SOCIETY’S DEPENDENCE ON REALITY TV THAT SOMETHING LIKE THE HUNGER GAMES COULD EXIST IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE. Instead it’s like a bum-rush for the door and maybe a quick wave as the door slams behind them. What the heck? Have I been out of society for so long that it’s now considered rude to ask if the hostess wants help with putting the food away?

Next month I’m having a book club for the co-op moms, and I sincerely hope that they disprove all these stereotypes!

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My Best Books of 2011

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Erika

Recently Wii asked me for a YA book recommendation. I’ve been reading some YA lately, I think because it tends to be an eager, optimistic, cut-the-bullshit genre and I’m definitely in need of some eagerness, optimist and bullshit-cutting. She said, “What’s the best YA book you’ve read?”

Me: blink. blink. “uhhhh….”

Actually I said, “The Book Thief. No, The Hunger Games. Wait, no, Before I Fall. Actually, The Curious Incident of the Dog in Night-Time which was originally marketed as a YA novel. What the foonf, I CANNOT POSSIBLY ANSWER THIS QUESTION!!!!”

Seriously, that’s just too much pressure for me! ONE great book?– you must be kidding. I have to go genre by genre, and probably sub-genre by sub-genre.

My advisor at the University of Michigan once told me that a great story — or book — is like a great round of golf: No matter how anyone else plays, it’s still great. (By the way, I just searched on Facebook for my advisor and found him and sent him a friend request.) He told me this once when I took a very small writing seminar and each student had to read another student’s work, and I felt like an idiot compared to the other writers in the class. No matter what the other writers write, it doesn’t detract from my story.

Another issue I search for in writing is CREATIVITY. Someone — Anna Quindlin, I think? — once said that every great story has already been told. (Wii vehemently disagrees.)

“Every story has already been told. Once you’ve read Anna Karenina, Bleak House, The Sound and the Fury, To Kill a Mockingbird and A Wrinkle in Time, you understand that there is really no reason to ever write another novel. Except that each writer brings to the table, if she will let herself, something that no one else in the history of time has ever had.” 

I was told by a Russian literature professor in college that Anna Karenina was the basis of most fiction.

So, with those as my parameters (genre and creativity), here is a short list of the best books I read in 2011 (Some came out in 2010)

A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness

Room by Emma Donoghue

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

Red Garden by Alice Hoffman

Bossypants by Tina Fey

Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver

Before I Go to Sleep by SJ Watson

Long Drive Home by Will Allison

Night Road by Kristin Hannah

The Good Daughters by Joyce Maynard

This is not an exhaustive list, because I tend to forget books after I read them. I’m looking for some kind of app to put on this page that lists what I’ve read/what I’m reading.

Filed under: Reading, writing | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

NaNoWriMo Winner 2011

Posted on November 30, 2011 by Erika

I suppose it comes as no surprise that I won NaNo again. (Once again, for the record, anyone who writes a 50,000 word novel is a winner, so it’s not like I’m THE winner. I’m one of many!) I started with 8,000 words on the first day and that gave me enough of a cushion that I finished a little early, on November 26.

I started out loving the story — about the brother of a school shooting victim, who gets a text message from his brother (victim) during the shooting — and ended up not loving it so much after a while. Last year’s story was mostly exposition, very little action, so this year, on the advice of My Chemical Romance, I tried to keep the story very short on exposition. And even though I did that, 50,000 words isn’t really that much for a novel, and I didn’t get in nearly the amount of story I’d planned. For instance, I never really touched on why the shooter did it, nor did I give a lot of information about the victim brother’s recovery. I had planned to include those things, but I ran out of time. On one hand, if I’d written 100,000 words, I probably would have gone through every plot sequence I wanted to hit, but on the other hand I don’t think I could have actually written 100,000 words. If I were planning to edit this novel — which, at this point, I’m not — I could see adding at least another 30,000 words in character development and action.

I had a dream last night that NaNo had a new requirement: after you finish your 50,000 word novel for November, you have another 24 hours to write ANOTHER 50,000 word novel. Then you REALLY win. I woke up covered in sweat.

I think that because of the time/word crunch, NaNo writers end up making really plot-driven novels. Wii and I discussed it, and personally I’m more drawn to character-driven stories than plot-driven. We talked about “Lost,” which was, after the first episode plane crash and polar bears, mostly character-driven, in my opinion. In fact, I felt like the season or two where “Lost” was, uh, LOST was when they did a lot of plot based stuff, like finding the “tailies” and such. I think “Lost” did its best work when it delved into the heart of the characters, in the flashbacks (or flashforwards. Or flash-sideways.) However, it was also a really nice balance of plot-driven (aforementioned polar bears and mercenaries and crazy French women).

I miss “Lost.” I don’t watch much TV anymore. When we had U-Verse, I had like 17 episodes of Rosie O’Donnell’s new show, plus a zillion other shows that looked good (“Revenge,” “Suburgatory,” “Modern Family,” “2 Broke Girls,” “The New Girl,”) except I never found time to watch any of them. We purposely have only two TVs, one downstairs in the living room and one upstairs in the guest room/Porcelain’s room/Bubbie’s room/The Room Where We Store Boxes, and the only time the upstairs TV is on is when Bubbie is visiting. We actually have another TV in our bedroom that isn’t plugged in, as well as a TV in the garage. Anyway, if I have free time, I tend to waste it by browsing Wikipedia and random gossip sites and on Facebook making fun of people I didn’t like in high school who want to friend me now. (I accept their friend request, look at pictures of them, note that they’re total freaks, feel superior and then unfriend.) I also read occasionally. Anyway, my mother told me that this isn’t my season for television watching, and then maybe in 10 or 15 years I’ll get a chance to watch again. I asked what if there are no good shows in 10 or 15 years?!?!?! She promised shows will be even better then. I’ll never know, since I doubt I’ll have a chance to watch before then!

Filed under: Daily Life, family, friends, Reading | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Why I Hate the Local Library, Reason #25235253

Posted on March 22, 2011 by Erika

There’s a limit on holds.

I find that truly annoying. My local branch is small; they just don’t have a lot of books, particularly newer fiction. If I went in there just looking for a good book, I might not find one without searching — and when I’m in there with five kids, I don’t get a lot of time to search. My Masterpiece tends to wander around shrieking randomly, which the librarians do not appreciate. The Informant plays on the kids’ computers and turns the volume up (while wearing headphones) and so she yells too BECAUSE SHE CAN’T HEAR ME WHEN I TELL HER TO TURN DOWN THE VOLUME SO SHE CAN HEAR ME.

The children’s area is decent. They have a good amount of books, and I like what I find there for the kids. But the adult fiction area is severely lacking.

So, I use holds. Right now I’m on hold for Swamplandia; The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks; Sing You Home; A Discovery of Witches; I Am Number Four; and others. I say “others” because you can only have 10 holds.

10 holds.

10 holds?!?!?!?!

10 holds — for a library that has only a few copies of each book. (Remember how I was #355 for Room?)

I feel… censored, in a way. Like, why does the library care how many holds I have? Why are they trying to repress me from reading new fiction bestsellers? There are hundreds of books I want to read; I have to choose my top ten, and then when one comes in, I get to put in a new hold. It’s really a lot of pressure on me to make these types of decisions!

By the way, this policy is fairly new; prior to January 1, holds were unlimited. Every week was like book-Christmas, one of my holds would come in. Now I have to wait and hoard.

Filed under: Pop Culture, Reading | Tagged: , , , | 6 Comments »

The Amazon Kindle, The Barnes and Noble Nook, the local library, and me

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Erika

My parents have started a tradition with the kids — once a year they take a set of them to stay at their house for a week. (I’m going to start pushing for twice; maybe once while they’re in Florida and once in Michigan?) And for my kids, it’s like a hedonistic mega-vacation. They get to eat whatever they want (within reason, I hope), they get to swim in my parents pool, watch TV/Netflix/play Wii/whatever you can do on an Apple device, they go do fun kid things in Florida including Disney World!

Right now it’s The Informant and My Masterpiece; I’m here with Animal, Mineral, and Porcelain.

It’s actually a vacation for all of us — things are so much more calm with only two kids and one appendage. I get more done. The kids get more attention than usual. Cooking is easier. The house stays less messy (not quite “cleaner.”) I really get a chance to enjoy myself. And on top of that my mom loaned me her Kindle for the week.

At first I was all, “Meh, I don’t get all the hype.”

Then I was all, “Hmmmm. Eh. Well I suppose it has a few advantages.”

Now I’m all, “Wow. This is the coolest thing ever!”

I’ve already asked My Chemical Romance for one for my birthday.

A few reasons I love the Kindle: (1) the font — I am not sure what the default font is, but I really like it (2) the size — it’s so thin! So light! (3) the ease of use. I played with it for about 30 minutes and it was very intuitive.

The great disadvantage, of course, is that you have to buy books. Bestsellers are more expensive, of course, but how can you put a price on freedom from the chains of bondage to the local Library of Doom, I ask you?

Now, the Barnes and Noble Nook bridges the two by using a service called OverDrive that can link to my local library’s eBooks. (Yes, my library actually has this service. I know, right? I was shocked too. Welcome to the 21st century, library!) I haven’t tried the Nook yet, but just based on the compatibility-with-the-library, I am leaning toward it.

However, Amazon has more titles available. Borders recently filed for bankruptcy; if Barnes and Noble goes next, I think Nook users might be screwed. Amazon, being the website in which you can buy not only a book but also a live goat, will probably never go under.

Both have the classics for free, and you can always test a book before buying it.

Now, regarding the library of doom. Tonight there’s a meeting by the Future of the Library Task Force. What does this mean? It might mean even longer waits for the books I want. It might mean the closest branch is closing, which is the rumor I’ve heard. I’m not happy about that at all — the next closest branch is 20 minutes away.

 

Filed under: Reading | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

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