Parenting as They Grow

Posted on September 19, 2012 by Erika

Animal and Mineral — okay, all of the kids, really — are getting older. And even though I enjoy being able to have conversations with them, and I appreciate the logic they use to lie to me — if I say the baby did it, then I’m off the hook and mom can’t be too mad because the baby is just a toddler who likes to destroy/spill milk on/use a knife against everything! — it’s also much more challenging, emotionally.

20120918-233726.jpg(The “easy” one)

I want them to share with me, but I don’t want to push them if they’re not ready.

I want them to be honest with me, but I don’t want them to think that being honest absolves them of consequences for poor decisions.

I want to give them opportunities to enjoy life without the confines of being in a classroom, but I want them to learn the basic communication skills necessary for functioning in society. (And maybe also their times tables. And some history.)

On a related note, it’s genuinely difficult to enjoy all those opportunities when

1. There are five of them, and very few activities fit everyone’s interests
2. We don’t have the financial wherewithal to explore all of their interests
3. Their interests often conflict with other interests (time-wise).

It is probably time to re-read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk — and find out what comes after that!

20120918-233631.jpg(credit: booksandbones.com)

Filed under: attachment parenting, Daily Life, family, homeschool | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Parenting with Expectations

Posted on July 13, 2012 by Erika

One of the happiest days of my life was when I found out The Informant was a girl. But let me back up — one of the most shocking days of my life was when I found out I was having twins was having twin BOYS.

I’ve always assumed I’d have girls. As a child, my family was just my mom and me until she met my dad (my stepdad who adopted me; he’s my dad). My dad brought to the marriage a 20-year-old daughter. My dad also has two sisters. Growing up, I had three grandmothers — all of my grandfathers died when I was young. I’m just accustomed to families full of women!

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But then I had twin boys. When I met My Chemical Romance, we both wanted a big family (and how. Ha.) I got pregnant with The Informant when the boys were about 17 months old, and I was so glad to be having a girl.

With Animal and Mineral, the entire situation was so surprising — and busy! — that I didn’t have many expectations. I thought I’d learn — about motherhood, about twins, about boys, about babies — as I went along.

With The Informant, I had expectations. I assumed because my mom and I are close, that my daughter and I would be close. I assumed because I am a woman and she is a girl, that she would be like me — not just the bad parts! — and I’d understand her.

That hasn’t been the case. The Informant is very independent. She is not usually cuddly or lovey, and sometimes she regards me warily. She can be aloof. She taught herself to read and write, and every day she spends hours in the dining room, drawing and writing picture books. She loves animals. She wears long pants all year round, tucks her shirts in and prefers to be barefoot. She is 7 and 1/3 years old and has only lost one tooth. She taught herself to swim at two years old (!!!) and is a good swimmer, but doesn’t love it. She still naps occasionally.

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In short, The Informant is not what I expected. Sometimes we clash because she doesn’t meet my (totally arbitrary) expectations. If My Chemical Romance takes the other kids to Cub Scouts, I’ll ask The Informant if she wants to read with me or talk, and she doesn’t want to. Sometimes we color together. We learn online about dogs.

Mothering her is not what I thought it would be. Knowing her, I can see her leaving as an adult and going on adventures — possibly animal-based, somehow? — and not coming home often. (This could be another expectation, but I don’t assume this will happen; given her personality, it just wouldn’t surprise me). She is happy, though, and that makes me happy. Whatever (again: completely arbitrary, not based on reality) expectations of mine that she isn’t meeting, I know she’s happy.

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Filed under: attachment parenting, Daily Life, family | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Parenting the Fill-in-the-blank Child

Posted on June 3, 2011 by Erika

It takes all kinds, I’ve discovered, when you have a large family.

When Animal and Mineral were babies, I remember telling My Chemical Romance that I wish we’d had two of Mineral — or maybe it was two of Animal? I hardly remember anything about their babyhoods. It was all a blur of bottles and biting. Now I have five babyhoods to try and remember. Here are a few anecdotes I recall clearly:

1. Holding a teething Mineral, who bit my arm, HARD, after which I immediately put him down (gently) and he began crying hysterically. My Chemical Romance picked him up and said, in a sing-songy voice, “Oh no! Did mommy leave you on the side of the road? Did mommy put you out with the trash?”

2. Animal vocalizing in a way that sounded like he was saying, “Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!”

3. The Informant’s first word was I’m telling “doggy.”

4. My Masterpiece started sucking her thumb regularly at five months old.

5. Porcelain loves overhead fans, she stares at them and coos adorably. We call them her “buh.”

Sometimes I feel like my kids get a bad rep. Yes, they sometimes drive me crazy, yes, my house is LOUD, LIKE WOULD EVERYONE PLEASE STOP SHRIEKING THE SMOKE DETECTOR COULD BE GOING OFF AND I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO HEAR IT OVER THE SOUND OF SOMEONE YELLING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE BREATHING ON THEM PURPOSELY – and no, I don’t get a lot of time away since I homeschool, but I feel I should make it abundantly clear: I love my children.

They are all challenging in their own ways: they challenge my ideas of nature versus nurture and they challenge all the parenting books I’ve read (really, I think Alfie Kohn would take a look at them and throw up his hands). They challenge me to parent the way I want versus the way I think they need versus the way I haven’t had enough sleep and have changed seven sets of sheets and do not have the patience for another game of Memory today nor do I want to fight about homeschooling again.

But I love them. They each have a unique take on the world, they each have their own beautiful characteristics and attributes, and although sometimes those traits don’t mesh with what I want from them, it’s not about me – yet another parenting thing I’ve learned. I didn’t choose them — nor do I believe that uber-crunchy concept that they chose me, like, really? Did they want to live in a house with weak A/C and a mom addicted to MTV reality shows?!?!? Was that appealing to the little blastocysts in some way???? — but we’re coexisting, usually happily.  I give myself a lot of license for hyperbole as I am an artist.

Filed under: attachment parenting, family | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Three Types of Homeschoolers

Posted on April 1, 2011 by Erika

I rarely go to homeschool get-togethers because, to be honest, so many homeschooler parents bring the crazy. I’m sorry to be a traitor to my people but GAH. Most homeschool parents I’ve met fit into one of three categories:

1. Jesuschoolers

Jesus said to homeschool. And that dinosaurs don’t exist.  Therefore we homeschool, shielding our children from that wicked wicked concept taught in mainstream schools – we refer to it as EVILution, because everyone knows that the bible says dinosaurs are evil – and on the weekends we march for keeping marriage faithfully between one man and one woman. *However, certain conservative pundits may have more than one wife. Or a wife and a mistress. Because God told them to.

While your passion is obvious, your blind adherence to such a strict dogma is Stepford scary, and not my thing. Moving on…

2. School at Home

We homeschool for 8 hours per day, including flashcards during our 45 minute lunch, and two fifteen-minute pee breaks per day. My children are learning English, Latin, Swahili; mathematics; chemistry, biology, and physics; and how to play the banjo. And that’s just our Tuesday schedule!

I just had a baby. I’m tired enough without hearing about your schooling. Plus, you can’t fit us into your cramped schedule for a playdate  anyway.

3. Radical Unschoolers

We do whatever my children want, anytime they want. They do not have to brush their teeth, they do not have to shower — they can even soil themselves if they choose! I refuse to ”teach” anything because teaching is an imperialist concept that unfairly assumes my children know less than I do, simply because they are younger and smaller. Also, I do all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry — they will learn by example, and I’m certain one day they’ll choose to wash their own soiled underthings! — and do not censor any of their media. If they want to watch decapitation porn, that’s their choice and it’s a valid one.

When there is a heated discussion — we never argue! – because one child wants to do one thing, and one wants to do something else, we have a family meeting. Each family member gets a vote. If the vote is split, we allow the cat to make the decision, observing the way she uses her litter box to decipher her feelings on the subject.

Once we saw a restaurant patron choking to death. One of my children knows CPR but did not want to perform the lifesaving measures on a stranger so we let him die. And that was a valid choice!

Blank stare, diplomatic nod, and in my head: crickets.

Filed under: attachment parenting, family, homeschool | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

Life as a work at home mom.

Posted on February 28, 2011 by Erika

I seriously do NOT understand how moms can work full-time. Not because I’d miss my kids (I wouldn’t). Not because I’m anti-feminist. Not because I think it’s important to depend 100% on my husband’s salary.

Because, how do you get anything done?

My Chemical Romance is ready to have his manhood removed. For the second time. (The first time was when we got married. Tip your waitress!) We have a really narrow window in which to schedule it; I want it done while my parents are visiting us in mid-March so I don’t have to care for six babies by myself. And yes, My Chemical Romance is a baby about pain. He passes out when he has to have his blood drawn.

The problem is, I don’t remember what penis-cutting doctor he saw when he had an initial appointment, and he wasn’t answering his cell phone at work (an infraction that drives me crazy! Especially when I’m pregnant; I spent the last two months of my pregnancy leaving him messages like, “Well, it’s a great thing I’m not calling you to say I’M IN LABOR SINCE YOU’RE NOT ANSWERING YOUR PHONE AND PROBABLY AREN’T EVEN GOING TO LISTEN TO THIS VOICEMAIL FOR A FEW DAYS, asshat”) so I spent two hours calling various penis-cutting doctor offices and trying to determine if they had him as a patient.

“Hi, this is Cinco de Mommy. My husband and I have five kids and I want him to have his penis cut off. Can you tell me if he had an appointment with you last year just before we got pregnant with our fifth kid? We’re not Catholic and we think children are a curse from the devil. His name is Mr. Cinco de Mommy, aka My Chemical Romance. Do you have a patient by that name in your records?”

And, I am not making this up, the first four places I called said NOPE, and I felt like a dumbass.

(Yeah, so my husband chose to see a penis-cutting doctor whose office is like 45 minutes away; it was the LAST office I would have called, had I not finally found the EOB for his visit last year.)

Finally I got it done. Had to schedule an initial consultation since things could have “changed” since his appointment last year — I snorted, “Things did change; we had ANOTHER baby” — and then schedule the actual vasectomy for a week or two later.

Also, I made an appointment with the vacuum-repairer, and checked on refills for my RX iron. This took up hours of my morning and technically I do NOTHING all day; so how do actual working moms get anything done?!?!?!? I haven’t cooked or cleaned anything today, and I only showered because I worried the oil in my hair was getting flammable.

Filed under: family | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

Large Families Suck aka “My Husband Was Out of Town For Two Days and All I Got Was This Blog Post”

Posted on February 26, 2011 by Erika

Okay, Life, I agree — I’m ruining the earth with my overpopulated family! We’re wasting valuable resources that should be used on children who don’t consider Spongebob Squarepants the height of culture! I’m unschooling them just because I’m too lazy to to actually teach them anything that requires me getting off Facebook! – and to that end, My Chemical Romance is getting a vasectomy in March. But, in case you’re curious, let me just tell you why being a mom in a large family sucks:

1. The laundry never ends. I am not even exaggerating. I wish I were exaggerating. If the dishes get overwhelming, I can always contribute further to global waste by using plastic/paper, but I have yet to find any plastic/paper clothes that my children will wear.

2. There is always stuff on the floor. Always. Recently I watched Stitches’ son for a morning. I thought, “What’s one more kid?” He came over and everything went fine. The next morning I got a message from Stitches which said, “Soooooooooo, I found a glittery yellow bead in his poop this morning. Do you know anything about this?” When I told The Informant about it, she shrieked, “Is she going to give it back?!?!? That’s my FAVORITE bead!!!! Tell her to wash it and give it back!!!!”

3. I do half of something, one-quarter of something else, and one-sixteenth of vacuuming. You know what I mean: I start a load of laundry, forget to put in the laundry soap; wipe the counter in the bathroom but not the actual toilet; and change one of the boys sheets and then forget who has clean sheets and who has dirty…

4. … and yet, I always find the time to eat. A lot. Those 20 extra lbs I’m still up from my fighting weight? Breastfeeding 24/7, two months postpartum, it’s down — to like 19 extra lbs.

5. When My Chemical Romance isn’t home at night, it’s like Lord of the Flies in here. Recently he went on a trip for two days (don’t worry, I’m going to write about it) and he came home to find me sleeping surrounded by clean laundry (I hope), vodka, candy wrappers, and tears, clutching my cell phone for updates that he was going to be home soon. He’s been here all day, working from home, and I still feel like a recently released POW.

Filed under: attachment parenting, breastfeeding, family | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Cub Scouts: Cute or Cult? or “Sometimes Parenting Makes Me a Hypocrite.”

Posted on February 13, 2011 by Erika

My boys — all three of them — love Cub Scouts. My Chemical Romance is a den leader. Animal and Mineral are in his den, and they’re all extremely involved. Twice during my pregnancy with Tax Deduction, he took all four kids camping with the Cub Scouts, giving me an entire weekend to myself. Someone has to take care of the Dog Without a Downside!

But I hate Cub Scouts’ policies, and I wish there was an alternative to Cub Scouts. (Yes, I know there is an alternative, called Spiral Scouts, but it’s like Kraft Mac-N-Cheese versus the Mac-N-Cheese I make on my own. Kraft Mac-N-Cheese may be nasty but it just tastes better. And don’t bother sending me recipes; I make sucky mac-n-cheese from scratch, no matter what I do. It’s my calling card.)

Obviously, of course, I hate Cub Scouts policy about not allowing gays or lesbians in leadership roles — which apparently includes popcorn-selling. (I just learned that they also have a rule against “avowed” aethiests in leadership roles.) While I recognize that as a private organization, Boy Scouts of America are allowed to make whatever the hell rules they want, I hate supporting an organization that discriminates in that way.

And yet, I do. I support it. I was certainly thanking the gods of Cub Scouts (obviously not goddesses, only gods) when I got those two weekends to myself! I’m glad Animal and Mineral are learning some valuable skills, although sometimes I question the value of letting 9-year-olds play with knives. I’m really glad they’re getting a chance to spend quality time with My Chemical Romance, and doing things that I would never do, like camp outdoors. I’m glad they get to hang out with other kids and meet friends.

And it’s cute, for sure, watching my boys make bird feeders and derby cars and learn about compasses. But the first Cub Scout meeting I attended, I thought I had wandered into the wrong church and I was at a cult revival meeting. There was a pledge, a promise, a secret handshake and decoder ring, and a bunch of private-joke type lingo. Kind of reminded me of seeing the Branch Davidians on Oprah. Personally, I do not value conformity (or cults). Particularly conforming with a unilaterally anti-gay and anti-aethiest organization.

But I support it, on behalf of my children, adding to the long long long of things I don’t do that I wish I did, or things I do do but wish I didn’t, in the name of parenting.

Thank the goddesses that Girl Scouts are open to everyone.

Filed under: attachment parenting, family | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »

5 Parenting Must Haves (Baby Edition) or “Celebrating the one who doesn’t talk back.”

Posted on February 11, 2011 by Erika

I feel like with each subsequent offspring, I get better and better at this baby thing. And now that I’m on #5, it’s practically a piece of cake (except for that whole sleeping thing). So, in honor of the fact that I feel like I’m totally SUCKING at this “parenting older kids” thing right now, I present my list of 5 Parenting Must Haves (Baby Edition):

Seriously, when it comes to older kids, I got nothin’. Nada. I’ll be lucky if only one or two ends up in prison. But I digress!

1. Miracle blanket.

A miracle, you ask with skepticism? YES, I say. Screw the crying statues; this blanket is the closest to god that some parents will ever experience. If ever a baby didn’t like to be swaddled, I would say it’s an alien baby who didn’t live happily in a very crowded womb for 9 months.

2. My Breast Friend pillow.

It’s like a really really huge belt, but a belt that covers your postpartum belly AND helps you breastfeed. Epic win!

3. A non-Baby Bj*orn carrier.

Pouch, sling, mai-tai, soft structured carrier, wrap — whatever you feel comfortable using, just use it. You will thank me when you have the use of your arms back, and you can eat an egg sandwich while writing a blog with a sleeping baby attached to you. I have 8 or 9 carriers that I rotate.

4. Zutano baby booties.

This is a new one for me. I did not use these with my first four. That said, I’m doing elimination communication with this kid, and it’s an absolute parenting must have for EC with a newborn. My baby is kind of scrawny compared to the last two, and it’s winter and we live in a poorly-insulated house. Socks fall off. Zutano baby booties stay on. Baby feet are warm!

5. Cosleeping

Okay, it’s not a thing, and it’s not technically a must-have, but once again it’s something I’m doing for the first time ever, and I’m regretting not doing this with the first four. There’s an adjustment period — at first I slept like a tightly-wound mummy, afraid to move for fear that I would I would wake up the baby, or that the baby would inhale some of My Chemical Romance’s back hair and asphyxiate — but now it’s so natural and nice and loving. Breastfeeding is easy this way. We’re all warm. And the baby is so cute, wrapped up like a little burrito in the miracle blanket, and smelling like my armpit.

Filed under: attachment parenting, family | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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