Social Media Behaving Badly: The Spanking ECard

Posted on August 16, 2012 by Erika

Oh, ECards. Those adorably snarktastic one-liners are like Twitter for… almost everyone. Without the confusing hashtags and RT and ampersands.

someecards.com

I post them on my personal Facebook sometimes.

Recently, Modern Parent Charlotte posted the following:

someecards.com

And although I’ve seen one like this before, it was on someone’s personal page — the wife of My Chemical Romance’s cousin — and not a parenting page.

And I un-friended the wife of My Chemical Romance’s cousin, because I just don’t advocate violence.

Yes. I’m one of those people who thinks spanking is violent. I have spanked in the past, and I just don’t think it’s effective punishment. I think it inspires fear and avoidance — rather than teaches anything. If you spank a child for doing XYZ, he won’t do it again. But probably not because he learned why you shouldn’t do XYZ — just because he doesn’t want to get a spanking.

Plus: it hurts, and it teaches that “might makes right.” To spank is to use an unfair advantage — your size — against a child. This is probably one reason why adults don’t spank each other. We generally don’t have the ability to use our size to intimidate. Not to mention that assault is illegal!

Issue two: Modern Parent said the following regarding the ECard, “It was too quiet here! I wanted to provoke conversation.”

someecards.com

But let’s be honest: what Modern Parent Charlotte wanted to do was fan the flames of the Mommy Wars. Whoever posted it on Modern Parent Charlotte’s page knew what she was doing. Spanking is an ISSUE for mommies. Like circumcision, breastfeeding and breastfeeding in public, natural birth vs c-section… these are all situations about which most mothers have a STRONG opinion and ARE NOT AFRAID TO USE IT.

And it worked. It totally worked! The pro-spank moms immediately called the anti-spank moms a bunch of humorless twits who are raising self-absorbed morons. The anti-spank moms bristled and talked about assault and treating children with respect. It was your typical flaming war between moms.

Sigh. I hate the Mommy Wars. Yes, I feel really strongly about having intact boys, nursing and my two natural homebirths. But I’ve also formula-fed, had an epidural and… pierced my oldest daughter’s ears. My mothering has evolved so freakin much in the last ten (!!!!) years. I think I’m a more effective parent at this point, but I couldn’t have gotten here without KINDNESS and EXAMPLES. And none of those mothers who taught me ever called me humorless.

someecards.com

Because that would be just fucking stupid!

Part three: The “Hey I Didn’t CREATE this ECard Therefore I Have Nothing to Do with This” defense, offered by Modern Parent Charlotte. You see, Modern Parent Charlotte doesn’t advocate spanking — they just put a pro-spanking ECard on their public page! But that doesn’t mean they ENDORSE spanking. Just because I “like” the I Ride Inside Anti-Mitt Romney page and post links to it on my Facebook page doesn’t mean I think you shouldn’t strap your dog to the roof of your car while you travel from one country to another! I didn’t create that page (tag line “Mitt is Mean. Woof.”) I’m just posting it!

atticusuncensored.com

Part Four, in which I am an asshole — gleefully. I still have Modern Parent Charlotte in my newsfeed. So that every time “they” post a question I can respond with, TRY SPANKING! Modern Parent Charlotte recommends it!

Filed under: attachment parenting, Pop Culture | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

I Feel Bad for Ann Curry

Posted on June 28, 2012 by Erika

First of all, I think she’s totally weird with the “everyone everyone news good morning everyone everyone morning news everyone everyone good morning” thing. Below is a 27-second clip (ignore the subtitles, which are nonsensical)

But, that said, I feel like a lot of blame gets placed on her for something that isn’t entirely her fault. Morning news shows require chemistry between the hosts, and apparently she didn’t have that with Matt Lauer and others on Today. I wish she would have gotten more of a chance to prove herself.

I actually like her. She’s kind of awkward and quirky. I appreciate that. I don’t like my newscasters too polished — I like them human. She’s definitely a human being. She’s made a lot of gaffes. I’m glad she’s being replaced with another woman — it’s the feminist in me that wants to see more women in media. Plus I think Matt Lauer is a douchecanoe. I realize I am totally in the minority on this issue, as his audience is largely female, but he seems smarmy. As your #1 gossip-obsessed blogger, I’ve read numerous reports that he’s cheated on his wife — and she even filed for divorce while pregnant with their third child — and where’s there’s smoke and a powerful man with a largely female audience, there’s probably some truth to that.

Good luck, Ann! Apparently she’s going to be doing other news things for NBC. Good luck to whoever takes your position; I hope she can stand up to the men.

This kind of brings me back to my blog about having it all (or not) — to which my friend Melissa from White Noise has enthusiastically replied several times. No, we can’t have it all. At some point, you realize you can’t have everything and be everything you want to be. At some point, you make choices and prioritize them. It’s part of being an adult.

I agree with those sentiments, but I dislike the idea that the onus of “having it all” is put upon women, while still insisting that women are the soul of the family. In our society, all it takes for a man to “have it all” is a job and a family. He isn’t required to have much, if any, balance. Hey, I’m sure Matt Lauer has it all!  The problem is that the family aspect of… life… is essentially put on women. Which seems biologically appropriate, to me, but then we expect women to put that biology aside and work and only see her kids for two hours a day (approximately) and still keep her family going AND get to the top tier of her work. That’s too much. That’s not fair. Once again, we’re adults; life isn’t fair.

I guess all I personally hope for is some understanding from EVERYONE; some sympathy and support for women who are trying to make it work, in any and all circumstances. I hope my daughters — whatever they choose to do — have it a little easier.

Filed under: Daily Life, family | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

One Woman Having it All

Posted on June 25, 2012 by Erika

And by ALL, I mean, ALL the laundry in the free world. All of the weird food issues that combine into mom makng multiple lunches AND dinners each night. Yeah, yeah, I know I’m not supposed to make multiple meals. I’m supposed to make one meal and to heck with those who don’t want to eat it. But… no. One of my kids is gluten-free, I am decidedly NOT gluten-free, sometimes I feel like something that nobody else wants to eat, and My Chemical Romance likes fish. Plus I rarely do the dishes; that is a chore that falls squarely into the realm of ANYONE BUT MOM. So it’s almost easier to make 12 itty-bitty meals than one giant meal that only I will eat.

This might work. Minus the ‘shrooms. (Flickr: *Florian)

An old friend — like, a friend from elementary school — posted a facebook link to an article about Women Having it All (Or Not) from Atlantic magazine. Which, in case you’ve never read an article by Atlantic, requires an investment of approximately four hours to read, because it has so many words. And also, lots of huge words. This particular article explored exactly HOW women have it all (or don’t). The answer is, they really don’t.

Mostly because****

  • As much as society claims to value families, corporations really want worker bees. And you can’t be an effective worker-bee if you have priorities other than your job.
  • Taking time off for maternity leave, or leave because of a child’s health issue (or any issue relating to children), derails a woman’s ascent in the corporate world (because of the above bullet point).
  • Apparently the option to go back to work/school after your children grow up only exists on television, for example, Alicia Florrick on The Good Wife (and she’s pretty dubious, ethically speaking, amirite?!?!?)
  • A “good” work situation is one in which a woman is able to be home with her children between the hours of 6pm-8pm.
  • There is no good time to have a baby. When you’re younger, you don’t have the resources (financially) to have a baby, and also you might have a horrible partner, since choosing a life-partner at a young age is always a bad plan. If you wait til you’re older and have more money and a better life partner, the younger women — or the men of various ages — will steal your job while you’re gone, and you’ll have to start back at the beginning.
  • Caring for a family is not seen as ambitious or meaningful.

Wow, that’s just a suck.

It sucks. (Flickr: Ken Lund)

*** The author mentions that she is speaking about, and to, upper middle class, educated women (and above). I have no idea what In-N-Out Burger’s policy is about families, officially or unofficially.***

Even though I’m a professional stay-at-home mom, this article disturbs me. Being a stay-at-home-mom is a crapshoot; I am entirely dependent, financially, on My Chemical Romance and his job. When he was downsized and out of work, we had serious problems. When his company started having financial difficulties, we ended up moving to Arizona, which was the first step in leaving San Diego, and all of My Chemical Romance’s family. And of course we loved Charlotte, but had to move to Raleigh because he thought his company was going to restructure. I support him, but what happens to our family — and, practically speaking, WHERE WE LIVE — is totally out of my control.

I was hoping that my working sisters had it better. Seems like they do not. For as much as I can keep track of what’s happening in my own family, pay attention to the emotional currents, keep tabs on who is doing what and when, working moms seem to miss that. They may have the financial independence, they may have the ability to converse with other adult human beings, they are in control of where they live, but they are missing their children.

(Flickr: edenpictures)

The article in Atlantic continues with what HAS TO CHANGE in order for women to have it all. School hours have to unite with work hours so parents don’t miss too much. Equal opportunities — not just for women, but for everyone! — for leaving work, or having flex-time. Weekends away from work, under all circumstances.

I do not think women can have it all. I think women just have to accept what they have/don’t have, and make the best of it for their families and themselves.

Filed under: attachment parenting, Daily Life, Pop Culture, Reading | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »

Never a Bridesmaid

Posted on April 5, 2012 by Erika

The title of this post is a lie. I have been a bridesmaid once — when my step-sister got married, in 1992, when I was 13. She got married on the fourth of July and I wore a blue dress and blue eye shadow. No, my mom can’t scan in a picture. You’ll just have to take my word for it, how awesome I looked!

And actually, I haven’t been to very many weddings. A friend of My Chemical Romance’s; my best friend from college and… I think that’s it.

But it’s not because I’m so beautiful.

Yes, it’s yet another response to that blog post about the challenges of being beautiful — according to the author, it’s all because sad ugly trolls women hate beautiful women. And she knows this first-hand because she’s so beautiful that all women hate her and she’s NEVER BEEN A BRIDESMAID. FOR SHAME!

My college BFF, getting pretty to be a bridesmaid in my wedding in 2003!

To which I say: Oh, come on! Who wants to wear an ugly dress and shoes dyed to match?!?!

But seriously, it’s probably not because you’re such a wretched self-absorbed beautiful woman. It’s probably because you missed your window. That’s what happened with me.

You see, my friends and I graduated from college, and most of them went off to do Teach for America or to find other ways of mitigating their white privilege (like going to law school to become public defenders so they could represent the indigent). Or they were professional students. And I stayed in Ann Arbor and worked at Kinkos and waitressed. And then I got pregnant with Animal and Mineral. Then I met My Chemical Romance. Then we got married and moved to San Diego. Then I was a stay-at-home wife and mom of two.

My Chemical Romance and Animal at a picnic in Coronado just after we got married.

Once I was a mom of two kids, I sought out mom friends. I joined the San Diego Moms of Multiples club and attended weekly playgroups (I credit them with teaching me to get around San Diego before smartphones and Mapquest). Anyway, as all my friends were moms, and most of them had gotten married before they had kids (as you do), I totally missed their weddings. Often by several years.

When we moved to Arizona, we lived in a really small town on the border that had a large military presence. Again, I joined a group of moms — and again I’d missed my window. This time I’d missed it by a lot because many of them had gotten married as teenagers or at age 20, to their high-school sweethearts who had then joined the military.

With my Arizona BFF, Ang, in 2006, just after she had her fourth baby. I was her doula! She was a Marine wife.

So, to the dear dear overly-beautiful blog writer who bemoans the fact that she’s never been a bridesmaid due to her visage, and looks forward to getting old and ugly, I can only say this –

those of us who get even more beautiful as we age, we might not have ever been bridesmaids either. It’s not all about looks. I’m just sayin’.

Filed under: Daily Life, friends, Pop Culture | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

The Nursing Mommy Wars: Part Suck(le)

Posted on January 7, 2012 by Erika

Please, dear god, let this be a North Carolina Southern thing, and not because all women are idiots. Amen!

More than I hate the morons who think nursing is disgusting or gross or that they shouldn’t be forced to see that (the hell?!?!), I hate nursing moms who hate on other nursing moms.

For example: Recently I posted my Target nurse-in video in a Facebook group and another mom commented that our Target protest wasn’t a good protest because it’s not natural to sit in the aisle of Target and nurse.

Here I am, unnaturally nursing my baby in the aisle of a Target store. FOR SHAME!

And then I woke up from the nightmare that is my life and replied that, DUH, since nursing itself is natural, anywhere a woman nurses is natural.

Right?

She further said that a better way to protest would be simply to nurse as usual. Well, okay then, Steel Magnolia, I will! And if my baby wants to nurse while I’m browsing in Target, I might just sit down in an aisle and nurse her. And if other nursing moms see me nursing and need to nurse their babies, I will invite them to sit down in an aisle with me. And then — voila! — nursing as usual in a group of moms in an aisle of Target.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

In all seriousness, I hate the mommy wars, but more than that I hate the nursing-moms-who-don’t-want-you-to-nurse-because-you-don’t-do-it-right-and-give-other-nursing-moms-a-bad-name.

I give these women some credit for nursing their babies. However, I take some credit away for their insistence on being “discreet.” This means that if their baby wants to nurse at an inconvenient place/time they would (1) go into another room, (2) abandon a cart full of groceries to go nurse in the privacy of their car, or (3) cover themselves, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Nobody wants to see THAT.

Even a 6-year-old knows that nursing moms should be covered up!

 

I think this kind of bullshit — and that’s really the only word I can think of to describe it — discourages some moms from nursing. Especially in the early postpartum period when most moms are feeling weird anyway (physically, emotionally, mentally). Add to that  a hungry baby and concern about offending strangers in Target who will cluck their tongues in disapproval, and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Obviously, I’ve never been the kind of mom who worries about offending anyone. While I don’t exactly welcome it, I basically don’t give a shit. I think it’s a benefit of getting older and having more kids. I see that there’s more than one way to skin a cat. (You know I’m all for skinning cats.) But there are moms who are more… gentle… than me, and don’t want to offend people, and don’t want to draw a lot of attention to themselves. And to them I want to say, Ignore the haters. Just nurse your baby. If you want to cover up, then cover up. If you want to go somewhere else to nurse, then do it. But just keep nursing.

Filed under: attachment parenting, breastfeeding | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 413 other followers

%d bloggers like this: