Note: you may wonder how I’m blogging after surgery, since I can’t yet sit down comfortably. The answer is, I’m blogging from my phone or iPad. Yes, it’s kind of annoying and yes, it’s slower than I would type — but it’s frustrating to have things to say and not be able to sit down at the computer. So I write with my index finger.
As I’ve got a lot of time on my hands while I wait to feel better — 1. It takes a while for the painkillers to kick in, and 2. I’m on too many painkillers to follow the plot of an actual book — I’ve been reading blogs. Just recently I wrote that I don’t read enough mommy blogs. I’ve since remedied that.
I’ve been focusing on some of the most well-known — beloved might be a stretch, because many have haters — mommy blogs. Here is what I notice:
1. Lots of photographs. Professional looking photos, although not done by actual professionals. The mom or dad just has a really nice camera and documents everything. I mean everything.
2. Fashion, with Descriptions. At this, I’m obviously lost, because my idea of high fashion is… off the rack at Kohl’s. I cook a lot, and I usually wear Cousin It, and the upshot is that I often have food on my clothes. Or food stains. I refuse to live my life in such a way that I’m actively avoiding stains on my clothes, and I refuse to worry about staining my clothes. Thus captioning a photograph of my usual outfit would include the phrases, “jeans: borrowed from Miss Manners, slightly ripped heel seam from stepping on them,” and “bra — on clearance at Target nursing section because it’s cerulean and nobody wants a cerulean nursing bra.”
3. Baby genius moments. I do not mean an anecdote about something cute their baby did. Every parent is entitled to those. (I am entitled to five. Five!) No, I’m talking about a blogger who comments that her 2.5mo baby is fussy not because of colic or some other baby-related issue, but because baby is so incredibly advanced for its age. You see, baby has the alertness of a four-month-old! At only two-and-a-half-months-old! Thus, because baby is so developmentally advanced, baby gets easily overwhelmed and cries. These are mommy blogger problems.
Reading the blog in which the mommy discussed this issue, I wondered if there is some meta joke-in-joke thing going on, but I decided probably not. Mommy really is that obnoxiously earnest.
4. Sponsorship. This is a no-brainer. Lots of links, lots of giveaways. I’m wondering what’s the chicken and what’s the egg. Do these mommies contact, say, 3m First Aid Bandages and say, “I recently had butt surgery and your gauze pads have been AWESOME while my wound drains! Would you consider sending me some, for a review and some links on my blog?” or does Tylenol contact the mommy and say, “We have read you’re recovering from butt surgery and are in a lot of pain. Please accept this donation of extra strength acetaminophen in exchange for some ad space?” (For the record, I am mostly relying on store-brand pads and Percocet.)
5. Social media savvy. I like social media. A lot. It has been difficult not to share the exact nature of my surgery online, because I subscribe to the belief that if it’s not on Facebook, it didn’t really happen. And yet, if I have nothing blog-related to say, I have nothing blog-related to say. I hate the idea of posting on my Facebook blog page or Twitter just to have an online presence.
Now please enjoy some non-professional pictures. I’d like to throw them in throughout the blog, but the WordPress app prevents that, or I haven’t figured it out yet