You know those times you’re finished working at the business you own, which is situated near the local vineyards in which you invest, pondering how you’re wasting your Ivy-League college degree in economics, while sitting in the huge apartment you’ve personally designed, surrounded by the stained-glass art you like to make for fun, perhaps mindlessly strumming a tune on your guitar (or playing a piece on your baby grand piano), singing completely in-key, while your favorite football and/or hockey team plays on tv, nursing a beer and considering inviting your friends — some of whom you graciously employ; others in whom you merely invest some profits from your business — over for a game of pool or poker (at which you excel) and cooking a feast for them using your expert culinary skills — hey, maybe even some of the fish you caught while camping at your family’s lake house! — simultaneously feeling lonely because you’re woefully single despite being a tall, thin, blond/blue 27-year-old at whom men throw themselves?
No? Sucks to be you, then! It’s just another typical day for the protagonist in Love, Unscripted.
What could possibly be missing from Taryn’s life? Wait, I know: a man for whom she can cook, feed, provide shelter, love, sleep with, protect from fans, encourage, surprise, impress, honor and have multiple orgasms, that’s what!
But not just any man! The only man who fits the bill is
Robert Pattinson Ryan Christiansen, hottest actor on planet Earth and star of a very famous series of movies that women love, based on a series of books that women love even more.
Not that Taryn would know this — she’s never seen a single movie in which
Robert Pattinson Ryan Christiansen has appeared. Nor has she read any of the books on which his movies are based. Because, you see, she is not like other women! She falls in love with him for his true, inner (good-looking, funny, sensitive, rich, large-penised) self.
Taryn is an INDEPENDENT WOMAN. Sure, she wants to marry him and produce lots of Aryan Nation children with him, but that is no reason to forsake her responsibilities of running a bar in a small coastal town in Rhode Island. (Which is where Ryan just happens to be filming, hence their meet-cute.)
Where was I? Oh, yes. I was thinking that
Robert Pattinson Ryan Christiansen is kind of a dick. Why? Well actually he’s totally not a dick at all, but compared to Taryn, everyone is a dick.
Honestly, that’s all I can say so far — I’m only 3/4 of the way through this 600+ page book — but I’ve disliked Taryn since about page eight so it’s been hard-going.
The sex scenes, however, are fantastic.
Post-Script: I finished the book yesterday and found the last quarter vastly superior to the first three. Taryn finally begins acting like a human being and gives up the independent Superwoman thing that was so unbelievable for the first FOUR HUNDRED PAGES. She even tells Ryan to fuck off at one point!
My overall grade is a C+. It could be 200 pages shorter — yes, we get it, being a famous person comes with problems — and Taryn could have had a few more “normal person” characteristics. Better editing would have helped a lot. I hope the next book is more thoroughly vetted. Yes, I am going to read the next book in the series.
After all, the sex scenes were hot.