I rarely go to homeschool get-togethers because, to be honest, so many homeschooler parents bring the crazy. I’m sorry to be a traitor to my people but GAH. Most homeschool parents I’ve met fit into one of three categories:
1. Jesuschoolers
Jesus said to homeschool. And that dinosaurs don’t exist. Therefore we homeschool, shielding our children from that wicked wicked concept taught in mainstream schools – we refer to it as EVILution, because everyone knows that the bible says dinosaurs are evil – and on the weekends we march for keeping marriage faithfully between one man and one woman. *However, certain conservative pundits may have more than one wife. Or a wife and a mistress. Because God told them to.
While your passion is obvious, your blind adherence to such a strict dogma is Stepford scary, and not my thing. Moving on…
2. School at Home
We homeschool for 8 hours per day, including flashcards during our 45 minute lunch, and two fifteen-minute pee breaks per day. My children are learning English, Latin, Swahili; mathematics; chemistry, biology, and physics; and how to play the banjo. And that’s just our Tuesday schedule!
I just had a baby. I’m tired enough without hearing about your schooling. Plus, you can’t fit us into your cramped schedule for a playdate anyway.
3. Radical Unschoolers
We do whatever my children want, anytime they want. They do not have to brush their teeth, they do not have to shower — they can even soil themselves if they choose! I refuse to ”teach” anything because teaching is an imperialist concept that unfairly assumes my children know less than I do, simply because they are younger and smaller. Also, I do all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry — they will learn by example, and I’m certain one day they’ll choose to wash their own soiled underthings! — and do not censor any of their media. If they want to watch decapitation porn, that’s their choice and it’s a valid one.
When there is a heated discussion — we never argue! – because one child wants to do one thing, and one wants to do something else, we have a family meeting. Each family member gets a vote. If the vote is split, we allow the cat to make the decision, observing the way she uses her litter box to decipher her feelings on the subject.
Once we saw a restaurant patron choking to death. One of my children knows CPR but did not want to perform the lifesaving measures on a stranger so we let him die. And that was a valid choice!
Blank stare, diplomatic nod, and in my head: crickets.
Filed under: attachment parenting, family, homeschool Tagged: | homeschool, homeschoolers, homeschooling, parenting
you are hysterical. these 3 groups are pretty predominant….i love your descriptions, which are so hilarious because they are so accurately depicted! so, how would you describe your homeschooling approach?
Hi Melissa! I’d say we’re gentle homeschoolers. I lean more toward unschooling than school-at-home, but I try to incorporate reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic into most days. I find a lot of science stuff online, in YouTube videos. And of course we cook. I’m really proud that they’re learning some basic life skills, like direction. When I was on a road trip with my mom, at age 18, she handed me a map and asked me to give her directions. I said, “I don’t know how to read a map!” LOL. I still remember her response: “You’re taking calculus, and you can’t read a map??!?!!”
Sounds pretty cool! Life skills are huge, and there is so much ‘school stuff’ inherent in those life skills, you know? I think we don’t realize how much, because traditional school learning is so compartmentalized. Thanks! I was curious =)
Awesome.